


I'll kiss your open sores

by electriceell



Series: I'm not the only one [2]
Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: (kind of??), Child Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of non-con, Rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 06:11:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16080101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electriceell/pseuds/electriceell
Summary: a Foggy-based, feelings heavy, follow up to "hate me (do it and do it again)"





	I'll kiss your open sores

**Author's Note:**

> the title is also from "Rape Me" by Nirvana because I am committed to this horribly on-the-nose song use
> 
> (I also 100% posted without editing because I'm a disaster so I'm sorry for my frazzled existence)

It’s heartbreaking, what Foggy sees when he gets back to their room on a seemingly uneventful Thursday in spring semester of freshman year.

 

Matt is sitting stock still on his bed, tears streaming down his face from behind his dark glasses, body shaking from the contained sobs. Foggy rushes over because something has to be wrong, it has to be, because in the year and a half he’s known Matt he’s never seen him cry. Hell, the only time he’s seen Matt so much as grimace is when Foggy is complaining about unfair teachers or asshat peers.

 

When Foggy gets to Matt, he doesn't see any obvious injuries, so he drops down next to Matt and pulls him into a hug. Matt jerks away, hard, elbowing Foggy low in the gut and jumping back. He ends up standing a few feet away, thighs against Foggy’s mattress, breathing heavily.

 

When Foggy had first gotten close with Matt he had noticed his hesitance when it came to physical contact, Foggy had figured it was a result of all those years in the orphanage with no one to stop and just hug him. But this? This is entirely new.

 

Foggy sits stock still on Matt’s bed, waiting for Matt to get a grip of himself. As Matt’s breathing slows down, Foggy sees a blush rise high on his cheeks.

 

“Fuck,” Matt murmurs, “shit, I’m sorry Fog.”

 

Foggy starts to try to assure Matt it’s fine while also figuring out how to ask what was wrong when Matt abruptly snatched up his backpack from near the end of his bed.  
  
“I have to go… I just… I have to go,” Matt says in a rush.

 

Foggy is left staring at the door of their dorm room.

 

It’s not until Matt gets back, well after midnight, that Foggy realizes Matt didn’t take his cane with him.

 

 

Years later, after Nelson and Murdock was built and dissolved, after the Defenders and Matt’s death and his rebirth, everything has changed, but also nothing has changed. They’re sitting in Matt’s old apartment, drinking Matt’s hipster beer and learning how to be around each other again when, apropos of nothing, Matt says, “do you remember that time you found me crying freshman year?”

 

In the time they’ve been together, as roommates through college and law school and, since then, as partners in crime and law, the number of times Foggy has seen Matt cry can be counted on one hand. When Elektra left and Matt came home with bloody knuckles and a broken heart he cried. Foggy knew that Matt thought he was asleep when he let himself break down and sob, but Foggy was a little comforted to know that at least Matt let himself cry it out. After that, there were a few teary, melancholy nights out drinking, particularly when they were at L&Z and Matt felt like he’d sold his soul, and crying that will always be denied while being “forced” to watch Disney movies by Foggy and sometimes Karen.

 

He cried after the night that Foggy found out. But so had Foggy. And so had Karen, even if she didn’t know what had happened.

 

He didn’t cry at Ben’s funeral. Didn’t weep when they identified Mrs. Cardenas. As far as Foggy knows, he never once cried when he put Elektra in the ground. Then again, his evil Mr. Miyagi probably didn’t allow tears.

 

The point is, Foggy’s only seen Matt cry a handful of times, so yes, of course he remembers the first time he saw Matt cry.

 

“Yea, buddy,” Foggy starts, a little uneasy, “and when I tried to comfort you, you freaked out and ran away for the rest of the day.”

 

Matt chuckles darkly, “yea, that time. I never told you why I was upset.”

 

“No,” Foggy says, “but you don’t have to.” They’ve tried to stay honest with each other, which is easier for Foggy than Matt, but they’re trying. Now Foggy’s a little concern that Matt is going to go back and try to explain every time he wasn’t forthcoming with Foggy, which, just really isn’t necessary and feels invasive.

 

“I want to,” Matt says, simply and then continues with a smirk, “It turns out rising from the dead sometimes gives you clarity.”

 

“Don’t even joke about that man!” Foggy tries to sound serious and misses by a mile. “Next time you decide to pull a Jesus, maybe let your oldest friend and legal representative know.”

 

“That’s offensive Foggy,” Matt says, but it’s exasperated and a little amused.

 

They sit quietly for a bit while Matt picks at the label on his beer.

 

They’re sitting on Matt’s couch, not quite shoulder to shoulder, but Foggy turns to look at Matt as he says, “you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

 

Matt turns to face Foggy as well, reaches up and readjusts his glasses a few times before taking them off and setting them on his coffee table.

 

(Some part of Foggy starts panicking because, oh God, this is a had-a-couple-of-beers-first, need-to-take-my-glasses-off-and-attempt-to-make-eye-contact kind of talk. Those are usually horrible and followed by Matt making horrible decisions.)

 

“Your hearts racing,” Matt says, reaching out to touch Foggy’s chest but stopping short. His hand lingers midair for a moment, but then Matt sighs and goes back to fiddling with his beer.

 

“I don’t want to upset you,” Matt says and Foggy snorts because, true or not, Matt has probably upset Foggy more than anyone else in his life. “I don’t,” Matt says again, more quietly. There’s a deep sadness lacing Matt’s words that sober Foggy right up.

 

“You’re not upsetting me, Matt,” Foggy sighs and rests a hand on Matt’s shoulder, “I want to hear what your story if you’re willing to share.”

 

“Okay,” Matt says, reaching to readjust his glasses, but they’re already on the table. “Okay,” Matt says again with more conviction. He turns back to face the table and moves slightly further from Foggy.

 

“It didn’t happen all the time,” Matt takes a deep breath, “it didn’t happen all the time, but a few times, while I was training as a kid…” Foggy notices Matt’s shoulders roll in slightly, “Stick, he, um, he, he used me.” Matt’s forehead drops into his hands and his fingers twine with his hair, pulling slightly. “He raped me.”

 

“It only happened sometimes,” Matt continues, “only when I wasn’t doing well enough.”

 

Foggy can hear Matt making excuses, can hear Matt saying he deserved it, but he’s scared to interrupt him, scared to misstep and make things worse.

 

“It happened again in the group home. I picked a fight, they retaliated.” Matt shakes his head; “Always figured it was better me than someone else.”

 

“Matt. No.” Foggy’s voice betrays him and cracks like he’s in seventh grade again, but Matt needs to know that he didn’t deserve it, didn’t ask for it. “No, no, no, no, no it wasn’t better that it was you. You have to know that.”

 

“No.” Matt sounds weirdly detached and like he’s trying to pick a fight, “no, I’d been through it before, I could handle the pain, I could heal faster with meditation. The other kids, it would have broken them. You don’t have to like it, but it’s the truth.”

 

“Matt…” Foggy starts.

 

“No, Foggy!” Matt barked, “You have no idea what happens in group homes. You think if I said something or if I fought them off it would have helped the situation? If I fought them off I would have had to explain my skills and probably would have gone to juvie for assault. If I told someone? Best case scenario the kids would have been transferred to a different home or foster homes or, hell, juvie, just to go rape another kid. You think you can trust the system but sometimes you have to work outside of it.”

 

“I believe you Matt,” Foggy offered, “I just wish you didn’t think you had to suffer to protect the others.” They both know they aren’t only talking about this; it’s the same fight they’ve had before, just with a strange, heartbreaking new twist.

 

“But I did,” Matt states, as if it’s fact.

 

“Okay, buddy,” Foggy sighs because he doesn’t want to have this fight again. “But what happened freshman year… Oh god, who was it? Matty, why didn’t you tell me? I would have been there for you, I would have helped you, I would have fucking killed –”

 

“No, Foggy, it didn’t happen to me.” Matt sounds taken aback. “But, thanks, I… I thought you would maybe be disgusted by me.” Foggy makes a dissenting noise, but Matt keeps going, “especially now that you know what I can do, and that, well, I could have stopped it all. I just let it happened to me.” Matt shakes his head and gives Foggy a small smile and the amazement in Matt’s voice only breaks Foggy’s heart a little bit.

 

“What’s worse is that I let it happen to someone else,” Matt confides. “Do you remember Lucy from our freshman dorm?”

 

“The one who went through that messy break up and then dyed her hair blue?”

 

“Yea, her. The messy break up was because… well it was because her boyfriend,” Matt’s hands are fists at his sides and Foggy imagines he’d like to be using them on the boyfriend, “he liked to do whatever he wanted, no matter what Lucy said. I heard her telling her friend about it, but I also heard it happen once, about a week before they broke up. I didn’t realize what was happening at first, Fog, you have to believe me. When I figured out it wasn’t just sex, that Lucy wasn’t consenting, it was too late. I could’ve burst in and rip him off of her, but I was scared. I didn’t do anything. I just listened to it happen. I don’t know how long it was between that happening and when you got home.”

 

“Oh Matty,” Foggy groans, “that’s why you freaked out when I touched you. I’m sorry, man. I just wanted to comfort you. I just wanted to make it better, but I made it worse…” Foggy reaches out to hug Matt, but then stops himself, afraid he’ll upset Matt, but Matt grabs him and pulls him into a hug.

 

“No, Foggy,” Matt murmurs into his hair. “I knew you were trying to help, but I was so disgusted with myself, past and present that I couldn’t stand to be comforted.” Matt pulls back and focuses down at the edge of the couch. “I still don’t really like to be comforted,” Matt says, as if divulging a huge secret.

 

“Oh Matt. Come here buddy,” Matt lets Foggy pull him into a hug and rearrange them so he’s half sprawled across Foggy, cheek resting on Foggy’s chest. “You aren’t going to like what I have to say, but it needs to be said anyways. None of that was your fault. I know you want to be the hero and save everyone, but you don’t deserve to be in pain. No one deserves to go through that, Matty. Somewhere, deep down, you know that.”

 

Matt starts to protest, but Foggy stops him. “Maybe you don’t, I don’t know, but I’m sure as hell going to try to convince you.” Foggy leans down and presses a gentle kiss to Matt’s forehead.

 

“Do you believe in me, Matty?” Foggy feels Matt nod against his chest. “Well, I believe in you and for now, that’s enough.”


End file.
